Christmas 2008′

Thursday, the 29. November 2007, 13:13 by

Once again its that time of year when most of us get to collect loads of boxes and cartons from all those presents we hopefully receive.

You will be aware that my PC-Donate campaign last year was a tremendous success along with all the recycling we managed to do instead of just ‘throwing it away’ . Remember, if you have old IT equipment, you cannot just stick it in some landfill, it needs to be disposed of. Why not send it to me, FOR FREE. Ill pay for the postage, we’ll recycle it here and donate it to charity. Everything wanted, PCs, laptops, peripherals, its all good. Send us your cardboard boxes too!

Merry Christmas :-)

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Monday, the 26. November 2007, 06:50 by

Once again, it is with great disapointment that I enter the world of wonderful IT for another Monday morning! As I always say, it never ceases to amaze me that no matter how nice you are, there are always people waiting to watch you fall flat on your back. Underestimation is however, a mistake made by others, not me, and today will prove to be insightful in shaping the path that I choose to tread. A proverb by Wynn Catlin seems appropriate at this time – -  The art of saying “nice doggie” until you can find a rock

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Thursday, the 22. November 2007, 10:57 by

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Yes you can now find me on MyFace

Tuesday, the 20. November 2007, 16:17 by


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Digital Hitler!? No no not me!!

Tuesday, the 20. November 2007, 11:52 by

I have recentley been tasked with providing a paticular company with a simple yet effective method of blocking websites at certain times of the day, and then allowing them at other times. You would of thought this was simple, perhaps a 3rd party app but no! All the available shareware and freeware proxies are epically complex, require local configuration of browsers to run through the centrally running proxy, I mean its all just a little bit convoluted.

Me I prefer the quick dirty way, how about a scheduled task to toggle between two host files. How simply dirty is that. It works too! yay!

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Instant Message/MSN Messenger faux pas

Wednesday, the 7. November 2007, 14:39 by

1) Status Igorance

Anyone who starts an IM with the word’s ‘I know your status says busy but…’ or “when you aren’t away…’ needs to take a good hard look at themselves.

Anyone who’s been midway through a PowerPoint presentation only to find their away/busy status ignored and a roomful of people wondering if your friends are idiots will know the pain.

2) Stupid name

Unless you are tweenie there really is no excuse for having an IM name that consists almost entirely of emoticons.

Yes the bat flaps his wings and yes the winky icon actually winks – but if you for one second think that having them in your display name is a good idea then, my friend, you are guilty of an IM faux pas.

Secondly – if you call yourself ‘Man of Steel’ ‘God’ etc then you are just as guilty.

3)Too many emoticons

Instant Messenger programmes often give you the option to replace certain phrases or groups of letters with your emoticon.

This sounds fun at first, but when you start to find that you have replaced every syllable of the English language with a flashing bear or firing rocket you may well find that your messages read like hieroglyphics – where nobody has the rosetta stone.

4) Pretending you’re offline

Do you pretend you are offline when you’re not? Why? Why? And again why?

If you don’t like the people enough on your list to want to speak to them then block them. If you don’t want to be contacted really go offline

5) Cliché profile pic

Got a Simpsons avatar as your display picture? Or the bloke from the Fatboy slim album? Do you have a kitten of the day picture? *shudder*

Maybe you should think outside the cliché.

6) Rude profile messages

Want to make yourself a social outcast? Then slag off your friends/boss/family on your status.

A related faux pas is to put in your holiday destination and then leave it there for a smug fortnight to annoy your friends.

7) Using too much text speak

Not only do you have waaaay more space to use real language in IM, as opposed to texting, you also get to have a conversation.

Nobody is expecting perfect punctuation (well, actually quite a few people do) but why not try to assemble whole words with both consonants AND vowels – magic.

Also, you aren’t going to be cut out of your social circle for the occasional LOL but if you find that more than half of your sentences contain some form of acronym then you should really think about writing out whole phrases.

8) Terminally busy

You know the kind of person – always on, always busy. Because obviously nobody else is…

9) Messaging the wrong person

If you ask people their most embarrassing mistake it is normally accidentally sending a message to the wrong person. Sometimes this is because they have the same name as a loved one, or, even worse, some people have been gossiping about someone and accidentally pinged them in a case of Freudian justice.

10) Badgering people to switch on their webcam

This is normally committed by those who have just invested in a new laptop with a built in camera, or splashed out on the latest 3 megapixel offering – but unfortunately, people need to realise that constantly badgering their ‘IM buddy to enable their webcam’ is exceedingly irritating.

There’s a reason why video phones never caught on you know…

11) IMing someone sat within earshot

Okay, the art of conversation may be on the wane, but there is absolutely no excuse for holding a conversation over IM when the person you are talking to is in earshot.

If you are gossiping about someone else in earshot then it’s even worse, and certainly no excuse!

12) Constantly sending out funny links

If I’m on my computer I am very rarely not doing anything – which means that someone who sends me a constant barrage of ‘comedy’ links that he found through stumbleupon tend to be an annoyance rather than a buddy.

If I want to find funny links I’m sure that the mountain of ‘comedy’ e-mails I get on a daily basis will suffice.

13) Nudging people

Nobody is entirely sure why ‘nudge’ was put into messenger, but a straw poll of our office suggests that even less people would put up a fight if they took it back out again.

One workmate confessed to me that he adds another 30 seconds of waiting time before replying to anyone who has nudged him in an attempt to elicit a response.

14) Inappropriate conversation

Repeat after me: It is NOT okay to dump someone over instant messenger.

I was shocked to find out that this actually happens – and normally the dumper then blocks the dumpee so that they can’t discuss the decision.

Wow that’s cold.

Also falling into this category are people who ignore the message not to give out passwords / credit card details over IM

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Langley Mill

Friday, the 2. November 2007, 15:12 by

“While I was at university, I believed I had escaped the horrible cluster of small East Midlands towns of my childhood forever. Not so. Sitting down to watch a documentary about neo-fascism in England, where should I find was the centre of this particularly unpleasant aspect of Chav existence, but Langley Mill? Langley Mill is in Derbyshire, very close to Eastwood, and is also highly chavvy. (See separate entry). It is also a missed opportunity.
Economically, Langley Mill was dependent on the Railways, and when they went away, Langley Mill went into a terrible decline. Langley Mill became the originator of horrific chavdom which spread to the neighbouring mining towns when that industry also went the way of all flesh. Langley Mill has spread its race like a cancer throughout Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire. It is in the heart of Bandit Country. The sad thing is that it didn’t have to be this way. Langley Mill still has a station that can deliver one quickly to Nottingham and Sheffield, and directly to London in two hours. Economically it ought to have recovered.
The canal has been made attractive by volunteers, and there are still large, potentially beautiful Victorian railway inns which could have made the place a lovely gateway to the Peak District. Instead, Langley Mill is a seething hell-hole of deprivation and drug abuse, the Railway Inn, the Mill and the Great Northern are for the Shazzers and Darrens to belt out Karaoke, when they are not being used by the local White Power groups to arrange lynch mobs for local Asian small business owners attempting to make a living. No-one with a vocabulary over 6,000 words or hair not coated in whale fat would consider entry. As for the canal? I think you all know what happened to that, don’t you? If I say pre-teen pregnancy and discarded needles, I am sure you can work out what the average rambler encounters their attempt to discover Britain’s industrial heritage.

The Mill, foolishly enough, is the only pub that would allow those of us still under 18 to buy drink with impunity, as to my knowledge, English Law has not been enforced in Langley Mill since the Nineteenth Century. One has the sensation of being a pioneer in one of the goldrush towns of the Old West that are so glamourised in the nearby American Adventure theme park. This is possibly because, like the chavs, American Pioneers were illiterate, drunk, violent, and hell-bent on destroying the native civilisation they encounter wheresoever they go.

Having stepped off the train from London the other evening, I was beginning my walk home wondering how many of my possessions I would retain, when I discovered the latest, brightest, shiniest addition to Langley Mill, not having been there in some years.

Where a factory used to be, and before that railway tracks, there was instead a large, brighly lit KFC, inviting passing trade from the nearby M1 to ‘stop for a family treat’. Former cabinet minister Kenneth Clarke was born in Langley Mill. I would love it if he came back there to see what has been allowed to happen to culture and society in Britain over the last six decades, perhaps to eat his first ever meal served in units of ‘pieces’ and ‘buckets’.

Yum. Munch away, chavs, go on, guzzle it down, because we both know that there is absolutely nothing better to hope for.

I hope it fucking kills you. “

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true story :-)

Friday, the 2. November 2007, 10:41 by

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
> dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
> down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It
> had
to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word .
She said, I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

> And the moral of this story is:…….
> ……Always keep your condoms in your car!!

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