Monday, the 5. January 2009, 20:10 by
If you are a woman, or any semblance, variant, or almost a woman, I command you leave now. This brings me to my first point. All sentences stated by a man should end with a period, and should sound like a command. The occasional Demand is acceptable, but only used as a means to say, “I’m in a good mood, so you only have to do this if you don’t want me to rip off your fingers.” Question marks are completely unacceptable, and are used only by the faint of heart and small of genitalia. These should never even be hinted by a man. Exclamations are nearly as bad. The exclamation point implies that you are surprised by something. A man is NEVER surprised. A real man sees all that is coming, but all that is coming does not see man. Therefore, a man should only cause the exclamation point to come squealing and thrashing from the shocked mouths of others. A man is allowed to yell, as a matter of fact, a man is encouraged to yell, but it should be a booming, roaring, inarticulate noise used only as a means to shock others. This is never followed by an exclamation point but should always be put in boldface font.
Secondly, you would do well on your way to becoming almost as manly as myself by noticing everything as soon as you see it. For instance, if you were half the man as me, you would have already noticed that I am clearly “Working,” as declared by the mood-indicator. Idleness is for ninny-boys. A man is ALWAYS working. It does not matter on what a man is working, but using power-tools will earn you steel-chain and nail points (as men do not eat brownies).
A man should never smell like anything. If, and ONLY IF, a man is intolerably-smelling, he may use a small amount of musk. Whether you are intolerably-smelling or not is determined by the American coin nearest you (yes, it must be American; other coins are sissies). If you put the coin under your arm and Abe’s/George’s/Franklin’s face changes to signal that he is sensing something highly unpleasant in the air around his face, then the odor coming off your body is deemed “intolerable”. Another important tip: NEVER use musk if it is spelled “musque.” This is completely intolerable, and is punishable by a life sentence to the prison that is complete humiliation and ostracism from the world of men. When combined together, the letters “Q”, “U”, and “E” are extremely effeminate. The letter “K” is very manly, as it gets the job done by its own damn self, and doesn’t need the assistance of two other letters to get its point across. It was also invented by the Vikings, a people among the manliest of all human races (but not THE manliest, as they evolved into Europeans). Even their women were more manly than most of today’s men. Also, brushing your teeth is very, very discouraged by all that is man unless you replace the word “brushing” with “shooting” and “teeth” with “those who are not manly enough to shoot others who are not manly.”
Never, ever cry. Ever. Tears have no place on the face of a true man, as they clot the rugged stubble that crowds the lower part of a true man’s face. The closest a man may come to crying is a rough, loud, throaty cough. Nor should you allow others to cry around you. Crying should make you want to punch he/she who is crying. This is acceptable, but avoidable. Violence is always the answer, but most of the time the man should never answer anything.
In order to look like a man, you will wear nothing except the skin of an animal you killed with your bare hands. You must have found this animal in a jungle, the deepest part of a large ocean, or a tropical savanna. The skin of another man is acceptable for this task, as irony is nothing short of awesome and highly masculine. A desert is also acceptable, but only if there is a jungle in the middle of this desert, and a 200-pound animal capable of 70 mph (note: not kmph. The letter K is very manly, but not when used in a European context. Miles are superior to kilometers, as a mile is bigger, and therefore better) in this desert/jungle. If you cannot kill an animal of this sort, you will wear plaid, and it will be covered in sweat-stains.
What else am I forgetting. That was not a question, by the way.
Oh. I know. How to live. You will live by one credo. That is a comMANd. The credo is thus: A man is NEVER wrong. If you disagree with this, you are wrong. This ideal trumps anything you have read thus far, and everything else in your life. Do not question this. Being right is the all-important rule of being a true man. You may occasionally state, “I don’t know,” to avoid being wrong. This should be avoided when possible and should, when necessary, be replaced by only a rugged grunt. Again, a man is never, ever, ever wrong. A man is allowed to change what is considered “right” and “wrong” because the only people who are allowed to judge anyone are those who are completely and interminably righteous, and a man has every right in the world to attempt to make his way on to this list. For a definitive list of those who are interminably righteous, contact me.
Follow the steps contained in this guide and you will one day become a rugged, face-rocking, ass-kicking, cock-punching, violent, awesome, possibly interminably righteous man, as I am. Being a man is not something that is easy, and nor is this guide all-inclusive. Discovery is the key to being a man, and so must you discover all the secrets for your own damn self. You may pass this advice to others, but only if you are manly enough to honorably mention the original creator of all those deserving of the privilege of the capability to grow a beard: me.