mariodecristofano.com

Google

When I was young and I wanted to know something, I was beaten for being too inquisitive. That’s the problem with the young people today, they have a google answer for everything. If they had to walk to their local library every time they had something stupid to ask they would ask a lot less stupid questions.
Google

Google Images is useless. I used it once to search for a photo of farm equipment and it showed me twenty thousand pictures of horse dicks.

Blogging

If I wanted to chat with strangers, I would pick up the phone and press random numbers. I tried a chatroom once and was talking to guy who claimed he was an obese fifty three year old man living in a caravan park but there is no way of knowing if these people are telling the truth. Saying that, ironic really I rant about this on my blog!

Twitter

I realise this is not internet related but I cannot understand why it is so hard for people to hang the bath mat over the bath when they are finished using it. I don’t leave the mat all soggy for other people to walk on after I have been in there. I also dont understand why people cant let the toilet paper hang towards the front, and not against the wall. Why?

Facebook

These sites are the online equivalent of walking down the street, finding a rock shaped like a frog and holding it up in the air while yelling for all my neighbours to come out and tell me what they think of my frog shaped rock. My neighbours can all go to hell. Especially the guy downstairs who pumps phat basslines until 3am.. If I did find a rock shaped like a frog, I would throw it at him.

eBay

People are always sending me all kinds of rubbish. Why would I want dozens of pictures of lots of love cats? I hate cats. I went away for a week recently and when I got back and checked my email, I had eight hundred and forty three messages. Eight hundred and forty of these were adverts for viagra and the other three were pictures of lots of love cats. I bought a ‘no junk mail’ sticker and stuck it on my modem but nobody has taken any notice.

I am trying to and have been trying to get in touch with you, please can you contact me immedietley, via my home address by letter, with a contact number

Thanks

It turns out that there’s a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein’s famous Relativity Theory.
It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster time goes and thus the faster you move. After about 10 beers (or 5 double brandies & coke, etc), you’re moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, any body moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.
Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: “OK guys, it’s 8 o’clock, I’m gonna surprise the family and get home early!!” However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he then goes: “WTF??!!?? – why is it so quiet?? Holy sh!t!!! It’s half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??” .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!
I’ve tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travellers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.
Please forward this to all your known fellow time travellers – maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.